


One Second of Nonsense

by Flumadiddle_Twist



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Larry Stylinson - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Dildos, Drugs, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Insanity, Jelly Dicks, M/M, Male Slash, Multi, Obsessions, The purpose of this fic is to make you laugh, Threesome - M/M/M, Torture, including penguins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:38:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5025154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flumadiddle_Twist/pseuds/Flumadiddle_Twist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black is the new headmaster of Hogwarts and had the excellent idea of forming a Gay Dorm. His Godson Harry Potter isn't really sure if that's such a good idea. A whiny Malfoy, a dildo lover, the good looking quidditch boys, a drug addict, a psychopath, 3 cute Hufflepuffs and a sex god all in a dorm?</p><p>Or the one where everyone stumbles on dildos, gets to hear the best of the worst jokes and is basically as gay as possible</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Draco

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crack ff...the purpose is to make you laugh.
> 
> Every chapter is from someone elses POV
> 
>  
> 
> 1 Original Character appears in this FF.

Draco squirmed. Michael Clifford really had the nerve to sit on his - his precious face! Draco tried to get Clifford's plumb arse off of him, but it was too heavy. 

"How often do I have to sit on your annoying face, Draco, until you have gotten it to not go through my stuff?" 

Clifford angrily poked his fingers over Draco's abdomen, making the blonde boy whine in a startled voice. 

"I warned you over and over again but your sassy little ass never seems to listen... you shall be punished, don't you think so too?" Draco froze in panic. Clifford moved to sit on Draco's hips and looked down at him with a mischievous glint in his eyes. 

"No! Not like the last time..? Father will hear about this, Clifford!" Draco spitted into the pink haired face, snarling at him with as much venom as possible.  
"Don't even think about escaping. Your dear father hasn't taught you proper respect so I will..or more like we will", Clifford added after a loud snapping of a door was heard.

Draco looked up and recognised the Hemmings brat together with Zabini and the drug addict. Great. Luke Hemmings jumped excitedly on the bed and hugged Clifford from behind while he glanced down at Draco with a questioning look. 

"So, what have we missed?" 

Draco shook his head while he fixed his gaze on the skinny boy from behind.

"Tried to steal one of my dildos" 

Draco shifted nervously, trying to not freak out as the insanity itself neared the bed. Luke obviously noticed Draco's nervous gaze and turned to talk to the drugged creature. "Damian stop pretenting to be a ghost and help us poke that blonde bloke, huh?" Draco squeaked dramatically as the pale boy reached out his middle finger and pressed it against the tip of Draco's delicate nose. The boy's entire attention was heavily fixed on his nose; Draco felt very uncomfortable.

"You have such a weird nose it is almost..fleecy" The insane Jackson broke out into hysterical laughter, making the others stare at him.

"Well, this time you most definetily overdosed it, Dam. You greedy minx- never shares his drugs", Clifford commented. Draco managed to slowly sit up, trying to avoid Damian Jacksons damn finger. He gasped as far too many fingers pushed Draco back again on the mattress and poked him wildly all over his body.

Life was so unfair! If his father only knew how often he suffered by his cruel dorm mates! Draco tried to make these bastards stop but couldn't even make a noise, Jackson had put something into his mouth! They kept poking and tickling him for seemingly forever until they finally stopped and Hemmings irritating giggly voice said, "Aw Drake you almost look adorable, suits you well". Draco shoot them all angry looks as they just kept on sitting on him and staring at him amused. 

Clifford reached out and pulled that thing out of his mouth and Draco immediately growled.

"Oh for Merlins pants stop whining. The baby soother is just made for you", a rough voice snarled from behind. "Well then Blaise do you want to poke blondie?" Clifford asked while grabbing Draco and dragging him out of the bed. Draco hissed at them offended. "How dare you call me blondie you insolent idiot. Jackson I swear put the Baby-soother one more time into my mouth and I'll -" 

"What? Your Daddy will hear about this?" Blaise replied in a sarcastic tone making the other boys break out in laughter.

Feeling his anger rise Draco picked up the neon pink coloured dildo that was lying right beside his head and threw it in Blaises direction. Draco watched the Dildo fly through the room. The moment it slapped Blaises face, Draco knew he had a good chance of getting fucked. Of course before that would happen he had to get thrown on the floor by a pillow. 

Clifford hit Draco with a pillow over and over while he furiously hissed at him. 

"Don't" 

Slap! 

"touch" slap "MY" slap "dildos"slap slap slap. Draco opened his mouth to tell the dumbass to keep his dicks from getting on the floor but couldn't as once again someone stuffed the baby-soother into his mouth. 

"You know what you're doing Blaise hm? Anyway I dont want to see blonde hair for the next five hours, so I suggest you better leave this dorm blondie- if you want to sleep in this bed peacefully" Draco twitched annoyed as he tried to pull this damn thing off his mouth but it wouldn't work. So he slapped his fists against Blaises chest. "Sweet" was all that the caramel skinned boy could say. 

Draco made a whining noise as he tried to get it off but no one paid him attention. Not used of being ignored gave Draco an unpleasant feeling so he made a bold move by undoing his trousers and throwing them at Blaise. 

Draco stared at him with his best 'fuck me' look he managed to put on and knew it was working when Blaise licked his lips and pulled the Baby-soother away while slowly whispering to Draco "I hate you"

Draco grinned, replying "I hate you too" and after waiting patiently for Blaise to look Draco once more over he finally asked "wanna fuck?" 

Smug about himself Draco answered "Alright, but after this I'm going back to hating you" 

"How about we hate each other while still fucking?" suggested Blaise.

A strange noise made it impossible for Draco to reply and no surprise it was the drugged one. Jackson prompt stopped doing whatever he was doing and focused his gaze on Blaise as he tried to get out of his trousers as well but was stopped when Blaise asked "How many fingers do you have?" Looking very confused at Blaise he murmured slowly "I haven't finished counting yet." 

"Well then keep counting, I'm not fucking dudes who don't know where their fingers are" 

A pout crossed Jacksons face as he stared down at his hands, probably thinking about how to fuck without any fingers. Draco snorted at the thought and watched as Hemmings patted the drugged ones head soothingly. 

Draco turned back to Blaise, waiting expectantly. The black haired gazed back at Draco with a sudden irately look. Draco opened his mouth to ask what the matter was but was interrupted by two loud knocks behind the wooden door.

Clifford immediately shouted in his annoyingly loud voice "who's there"

"a cow goes"

Draco rolled his eyes when the idiot replied to the obviously Harry Styles, hidden behind the door. 

"A cow goes who?" 

"No a cow goes moo!" 

Styles opened the door with a grin plastered on his face. The only other one who seemed to find that genuinely funny was the pink haired, who now was lying on his stomach giggling weirdly. 

Draco exchanged glances with the rest, having a silent agreement how terrible that supposed joke was. "Harreee!" Jackson sang pleased as he staggered towards Styles direction and togged on one of the long curly hair.

"Wanna braid?" asked the taller boy as he bent even more down to make himself smaller. An insane expression crossed Jacksons face, followed by burying his head into Styles chest yakking.

Styles furrowed his eyebrows. "What, you love to braid my hair. Damian how high are you?" 

Jackson pulled away and answered in an obvious tone "No it's 'hi how are you' Harry." 

Draco and the other boys burst out laughing while Styles sat down at one of the couches with Jackson beside him.

The door burst open once more, revealing Calum Hood, Louis Tomlinson and Harry Potter. "Lads we kicked the Ravenclaws asses! Incredible match 450 to laughable 10 points!" cried Hood while high fiving all the slytherin boys. 

Hemmings frowned. "Good for you snakes but where is dear Ashton?" 

"Ah in the infirmary, calm down Luke, he's fine just broke a few bones" Hood said casually, waving his hand.

"Will he stay there overnight?" Clifford asked.

"Yeah probably, his hip bone needs the longest to heal so.." 

"Oi but we all planned to have a nice bondage session. Penguin do you know what that means?" the pink haired, visibly disappointed, hugged his rainbow pillow.

Draco felt suddenly watched when the Tomlinson jerk and Potter brat both asked him "Draco what happened to your trouser?" 

Before he could explain anything further a big hand appeared in front of his face with the baby-soother between its fingers and before Draco could react much, was that stupid thing already in his mouth. 

"Genius!" Called Hood out loud while Draco wildly turned his head to find the owner of the big hand.

Unsurprisingly it belonged to Clifford. Draco narrowed his eyes and pratically threw himself at his direction. 

To his utter annoyance he stumpled on his way over a gold sparkling dildo. Draco cried out in pain and immediately tried to throw the sparkling dildo at Cliffords crotch. Unfortunately that asshole just caught it in time. "Heinrich!" said Clifford lovingly while fucking carressing that dildo.

"You gave your dicks names" Blaise stated, rolling his eyes.

Clifford looked up and explained "Well 'course they're my babies". 

Blaise shook his head and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket, walking away and seemingly forgetting Draco.

Draco squeaked as loud as he could and ran after Blaise. The Italian boy in return waved his hand, saying carelessly "Badbye Malfoy. Notice how I didn't say goodbye? It's because I hate you. The baby-soother will do you good for a while" and honestly disappeared with that. 

Feeling depressed, Draco slowly sat down on one of the couch chairs, facing Styles and the passed out Jackson. Draco leaned his head against the soft leader, trying to somehow calm down. 

Styles broke the short silence with a cheering voice "Hey Draco, why did the baboon ask the giraffe why the long face? Coz he thought his neck was his face"

Draco groaned at the curly haired effort of making yet another terrible joke.

Potters laughing voice cut in "It's so bad that it's already funny Harry". Draco closed his eyes after he saw Styles frown. 

"Harold what're doing with Damian?" Tomlinsons raspy voice cut in. 

"Just waiting to hear his mumbles" 

"Is he overdosed" Hood asked curiously.

"Curly place him on the bed so we all can hear it" said Clifford. 

A shifting was heard. Draco cracked his eyes open and saw Jackson on the bed with the rest of the boys around him, most likely waiting to get entertained. A few seconds passed before Jackson started with his mad blabbing. 

"Get his dick out of the pickle jar we need to go to Russia" 

"Did he just..?" Hemmings started when the others hushed him. 

"Yes, I fucked a duck" 

Draco smirked inwardly, finally something to annoy Jackson with. 

"THANK Y'ALL SO MUCH! A COUCH IS SUCH A GREAT GIFT" Jackson yelled while moving his arms wildly, accidently slapping the side of Hemmings face. 

Draco stood up and tapped Styles shoulder, pointing to pull off the baby soother. Luckily he pulled it off and Draco breathed relived. The others were still distracted by Jacksons current blabbing about how much he hates Bumblebees. 

Trying to avoid any attention, Draco quietly picked up his wand from the table and pointed it at Cliffords back. Dominated by his rage at the pink haired, Dracos wand fired a Jinx. What happened next couldn't Draco quite understand since many things happened at once.

First, Dracos Jinx hit Clifford square in the back, transforming him into a clown.

Second, Teddy Lupin walked in right at that moment screaming at the sight and eventually passing out. 

Third, Jackson ripped his eyes open crying out "MERLIN I HAVE TEN FINGERS! BLAISE I-" and stopped mid sentence when catching sight of the clown - grabbed the pink and gold dildos (that were right beside him) and threw both at clown Cliffords face before vanishing under the blanket. 

Fourth, Clifford swearing under his breath slowly turned around to see Draco with his wand still pointed at him. 

Fifth, Draco forgetting what to do, dropped his wand and stared frightened back at the clown. 

Sixth, Clifford knocking Draco off by slapping all his dildos against the blonde head.

Seven, the last thing Draco heard was loud laughter.


	2. Eugene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Footnote to howl inspired this chapter.

Eugene reread the exact description to the Headmasters office, checking to make sure he didn't get lost. He looked up and took a deep breath before taking a step towards the huge griffin. 

"Captain serious" Eugene spoke in a clear voice and an abrupt crack was heard when the griffin started to slowly turn into a spiral staircase. Not hesitating any longer, Eugene followed the stairs up until he was face to face with a huge wooden door. 

The Door read 'Sirius Black - Headmaster of Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry'.

He raised his hand to gently knock against the door but froze halfway when loud noises were heard - which probably, no , most certainly belonged to the pleasureable category.  
Eugene furrowed his eyebrows. What to do in such an odd situation? Either standing here while keep hearing the headmaster most likely getting laid or going somewhere else. Eugene decided on the later and was just about to turn away when the door abruptly snapped open.

"I'm leaving soon, you can not change my mind Sirius!" a man said in a breathless voice. He turned to leave the office when he caught sight of Eugene and briefly stopped. 

"New student? I'm Professor Lestrange, pleasure." The flushed man then immediately turned away and left in a rush, making it impossible for Eugene to reply anything. Straightening, Eugene grabbed his trunks, and knocked on the already open door, stepping in.

"Who's- oww" 

A loud bump was heard and a head appeared behind a huge wooden table.

"-it?" The man finished, slightly groaning in pain while rubbing one of his temples with shut eyes.

"The transfer student, sir. Eugene Yang". 

The man who Eugene supposed to be the Headmaster snapped his eyes open and scanned him with a flicker of realization behind his dark eyes. 

"Yes, Mr Yang! Sit down, sit down. From Durmstrang are you, yes? And finishing your last year at Hogwarts." 

"Correct sir"

The Headmaster nodded, gathering himself before a slow grin crossed his face as he walked towards a shelf. Eugene watched him stumble on his way, given the floor was quite messy with stuff lying everywhere, making it hard to walk around. 

"There it is! This disgusting looking hat will sort you into your house" 

Eugene turned his head up to see a ruffled hat floating his way and immediately broke the hover spell non verbally before this gross thing had the chance to touch his hair. "Excuse me sir, but my hair will not come in contact with that hat!"

A laugh escaped the Headmaster who wasn't really behaving 'headmasterly'. 

"Mr.Yang I assure you there are no fleas or that sort of hidden. It is essential to wear this hat for a short time to be accepted to Hogwarts". He explained in a more serious tone.

Eugene looked at the Headmaster irately, making sure he wasn't kidding. Pursing his lips he put the hat reluctantly on his head, and immediately heard a knowing voice muttering silently to him "Smug. Bigoted. ASSHOLE." 

Eugene twitched his shoulders annoyed, wanting to throw the hat already off. "Now, now I could put you in Hufflepuff where you'll be forced to change yourself, make new friends and connect with positive role models. You might end up being a decent guy. What a year could do to a person hm?" 

'Fuck you, how dare you even consider that' Eugene thought back. The hat however continued rudely "Or..I could dump you in Slytherin with the rest of the assholes so they can reinforce your worst asshole traits while you learn Dark Magic from asshole teachers...Thus dooming you to be an asshole forever...hmmm. SLYTHERIN!" Not wanting to have that scum any longer on his poor hair, Eugene threw it on the table and immediately put a cleaning spell over his hair.

The headmaster clapped his hands. "Excellent. You're with my godson then. Grab your stuff and I'll show you the dorm you'll be sleeping in"

Eugene took all his trunks and followed the older man. "Is it fine if I call you by your name?" Eugene nodded while they left the staircase behind and followed a long corridor. "Eugene then. Let's pretend you sleep in a triple bunk bed, which one do you choose?"

Not knowing what he wants with such information Eugene asked suspiciously "For what reasons should that interest you sir?" Seeing a ghost of a smile on the well defined face and a slight shrug, Eugene narrowed his eyes, already questioning his wish to study at Hogwarts. 

"For sleeping arrangements of course" Black replied.

They walked across a short corridor when they took a halt and faced a mass of moving staircases. They followed the stairs down.  
Eugene thought about the question briefly before answering "Well I think I'd chose the middle bed" 

"Well that's interesting, took you for a top". The Headmaster murmured so quietly that Eugene almost missed it. 

Eugene tensed and narrowed his eyes at the back of the man, not wanting to think that what he thought the other one to be thinking.  
Eugene has always wanted to attend Hogwarts, he can still remember when he told his classmates and they all told him that Hogwarts is full of crazy people and teased him about it for the rest of the school year. 

The Headmaster hummed as he pointed with his finger left and they went along a small hallway full of pornographic and other very inappropriate portraits. One in particular caught his attention, a big fat almost cancerous looking cock pulsating like a crazy ballon when suddenly exploding and making the portrait look like it was full of cum. 

"Here we are! Oh their password I forgot it's been changed..." Black searched his pockets and pulled a dozens of papers out. 

"By the way the password changes every 3 weeks. Well where is it hmm..ah!" The older man held triumphantly a small piece of paper in the hand and pulled his shoulder long hair to the side while clearing his throat, facing a multi-coloured wall and saying "Jelly surprise". 

The wall disappeared to the right, revealing a huge livingroom looking room with a chimney and three large couches, behind was a giant window giving the fact away that this dorm is behind a waterfall. Four students were sitting on the couch, appearing to be waiting for someone when they turned their heads and looked at Eugene and Black.

"This is the common room for the GD boys and up here is the bedroom and other two rooms you'll soon discover for what... well anyway good morning boys! There is a new GD member Eugene Yang." Eugene put his stuff on the floor and turned to the headmaster.

"I thought I'd sleep in the Slytherin dorm. What is 'GD' supposed to mean?"

The headmaster put his hand against his head. "Of course! I forgot Eugene, you see my gaydar is excellent so when I saw you my magical gaydar went all wild... well GD stands for Gay Dorm, meaning that all gay students share a Dorm called GD, only in their last year though!"  
Eugene didn't know how to react so he didn't react at all...it's actually a pretty good idea he mussed. He eventually nodded and said hello to the four guys who all greeted him with a grin.

A bright pink haired boy stood up turning to Eugene "Let's find out in which bed you are then yeah? Oh and Sirius I've always wanted to ask you this but never got the chance to but now I do and.. is your middle name Lee?" The headmaster looked incredulously at the boy.

"No, my name is not Sirius Lee Black". The boys all chuckled.

"But good one Michael, haven't got that one before. By the way where is my Godson?" Black asked amused. Michael went to the direction where the staircase was, yelling up loudly. 

"Harry! Sirius is here!" A muffled reply was heard.

"You must be joking! Tell him later!" 

"No, I'm serious!"

"No, I'm serious." Headmaster Black said, walking to the pink haired and high fiving him.

"We need to stop these Sirius jokes boys. Anyway tell Harry he should visit me and what else..have a good Monday boys yeah!" He walked back to the entrance and vanished.

"He's the best headmaster that Hogwarts has ever seen..or should I say the bestest" The curly haired commented in a joking voice. A smaller guy with a fringe stood up and hit the curly haired in the balls telling him no. 

 

"Where are our manners? Eugene, I'm Michael Clifford and I love BDSM and that's HEY PENGUIN wake up! That's Luke who sleeps a lot" 

Eugene raised his eyebrows when Michael smirked at him mischievously and briefly leaned against him whispering to his ear "I'm always ready to be tied up"

Eugene arched an eyebrow at that. "Good to know"

Michael whistled happily, giving Eugene a wink before following up a staircase and disappearing from Eugenes sight. Eugene turned to the other two guys asking them sarcastically "So do you want to tell me your preference in bed as well?"

"The showers actual-" 

The curly haired started when the fringe guy elbowed him in the side, looking disapprovingly at him.

"No one touches Harry without my consent, to make that clear. You don't want to be on my bad side mate. I'm Louis Tomlinson, it's nice to meet you" 

Eugene nodded his head, smirking slightly at the possessiveness. Harry looked like he wanted to apologise over his boyfriends slightly rude warning but also like he wanted to fuck him right here. Eugene cleared his voice. "Noted. I'll go then.." He trailed off, taking all his stuff and going to where he saw Michael going.

Eugene followed the stairs up until he was met by two doors, noticing that one of them was marked with 'BANG'. He opened the door that wasn't marked, which he supposed to be hopefully the bedroom. He entered the room and noted relieved that it was a huge room with- three ridiculously big beds?

"So to begin with, since the vers bed just got bigger, it's safe to say that you are a vers. Long story short, your bed is the middle one right there, which we also call vers bed. You sadly can't enter the top nor the fabulous bed- it's because, well because of hygienic reasons, if you know what I mean"

Eugene couldn't help but laugh at this. Gay Dorms? Bang room? Vers bed? It was too good. 

Michael added grinning "If you do try anything, you'll get hit by nasty spells" 

"Seriously Clifford? Fabulous bed, it's more like the fucking poke bed for the maniacs" A handsome boy commented with wavy hair and a skin colour that reminded Eugene of caramel. Michael rolled his eyes and picked up a silver glittery dildo from the floor and threw it in the air like it was a ball. 

"You're just jealous Blaise, bottoms are simply fabulous and who's fucking who in the Bang room again?" 

Blaise, who was seated on the left bed which Michael referred as the top bed, shrugged absently and turned the page of his book. He introduced himself without looking up. 

"I'm Blaise"  
Which Eugene mirrored before he turned to his belongings and moved them into one of the huge closets. 

"Leave it Eugene the house elves take care of it. Although take yo-"

"HII!" 

A new voice interrupted the pink haired sentence. Eugene looked up to find out who belonged to this slight croaking voice. A pale skinny half naked boy sat up on the big right bed, the poke bed.

"Who are you" The boy furrowed his eyebrows confused as if trying to remember him. He then slowly got up and tried to walk towards Eugene. He seemed to be... high.

"New student. Eugene Yang" 

"Meeee is Damian Jackson, can I very appropriately blow you?" 

Eugene looked irritated at the noticeably smaller boy. "An appropriate blowjob?" 

Damian nodded enthusiastically "I'm good at appropriate blowjobs."

He grinned, leaning in and sniffing the air around Eugene. "Mhh you smell like a ...a sex god" 

Eugene raised his eyebrows in amusement, he searched his Hogwarts uniform and started to put on the green silver Slytherin tie around his neck.

Damian still grinned delightfully and sat down on the floor, right behind Eugenes butt.

Eugene wiggled his butt on purpose and bent down to pick up his black robe. His smirk widened when he heard Damian hum loudly. 

He put on the robe, hiding his backside. Damian wailed at that and started to pull at his robe. Eugene pulled away and kneeled down, smelling the familiar scent of weed and something else. He licked his lips, weed, he wants weed. 

Damian took advantage of Eugenes short stupor, poking his nose over and over. Eugene blinked at that, standing up to escape the poking. Damian stood up as well, trying to reach his nose.

"That's enough weed boy. Michael when do classes start?" 

Michael who still hasn't stopped throwing the dildo in the air casually replied. "Nine. But we all go to the Great Hall for breakfast around eight or something, deepens y'know" 

Eugene checked his watch 8'14. 

"I'm not a weed boy. I'm perfectly fine with being the president of drugs and-"

Blaise shut his book loudly, making Damian stop talking nonsense and blink at Blaise in complete admiration. Blaise stretched and left the bed he was just sitting on. He seemed to be leaving the room but stopped a second. A smirk crossed his face as he turned towards the pink haired and gave him a strong shove, knocking Michael down. Damian clapped his hands, catching the glittery dildo happily.

Michael hissed out and cried loudly "Zabini you salted slug!" 

Blaise seemed to be satisfied enough to leave the bedroom. Eugene decided to leave the room as well, going after Blaise. 

"The bottom guys are the worst Yang so watch out what you're doing" Blaise warned him in a careless tone, as they went down the stairs. 

Eugene noticed that the boy beside him had a very special aura, it felt dark and somehow chill. He smelled like good smoke.

"We are twelve guys if you were wondering, you'll meet the rest at breakfast" he added after a pause. Eugene hummed as they left the Gay Dorm, meeting the inappropriate portraits again. He huffed, seeing one of the portraits staring at them greedily and wanking openly, while playfully moaning, one even screaming 'Blaise'. 

Eugene was weirded out. Blaise ignored it or probably was even used to it. He couldn't help but ask. "So how come that these portraits know your name?"

Blaise snorted, answering "I suppose I can admit that it was a foolish mistake to fuck out there in front of all these lovely portraits. But they apparently seemed to have enjoyed the show" He ended with an arrogant smirk. 

They walked in a comfortable silence, taking five perhaps eight minutes before reaching the infamous great hall. There were four long tables full of students eating and chatting. The smell of fresh baked bread and classic english breakfast tea lay in the air. Eugene suddenly realised how hungry he actually was. 

Blaise turned to the very left table and sat down next to a guy who's face was hidden behind the daily news. Eugene spotted Louis sitting on Harrys lap, feeding him grapes with fond eyes. How gross.

Eugene sat next to Blaise and grabbed a bowl of chocolate pudding. He poured himself coffee into his cup and started to shovel the pudding into his mouth. 

After a few bites a hard poke on his back interrupted his blissful eating. Turning his head slightly he saw a pale blonde boy, scowling down at Eugene.

"Whoever you are go away. This is my seat" 

Rude. Eugene continued his eating, replying unbothered "Well I don't see any names written on these seats therefore, no this is not your seat" 

The blonde boy narrowed his eyes as he opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by someone elses voice.

"My father will hear about this!" 

Michaels giggly voice laughed, taking a seat opposite Eugene. Damian was also there and sat dreamily beside Eugene doing nothing else but staring at Eugenes long fingers. 

"Come on Drake that's what you would have said, right? Sit down and eat your fruit blondie" 

The scowl didn't leave the boys face after he sat down, noticeably far away from Michael. After some time a few other boys joined the breakfast.

"Mornin' lads" Luke yawned before grabbing a cheeri owl muesli and sharing it with the bandana guy. The pink haired turned to Eugene. "Good time to introduce yourself now"  
Eugene nodded, watching Damian watch his fingers in fascination. He looked away and cleared his throat, trying to get the attention of the others on the table. 

"HEY guys!" No one seemed to listen. Eugene furrowed his brows, thinking briefly before opening his mouth and-

"COCK! HOLY COCK!" 

Ah here we go, Eugene thought in satisfaction as everyone....wait oops quite literally everyone looked up and stared at him interestedly. He groaned inwardly.

"Well, I'm Eugene Yang, transfer student from Durmstrang and also new member of the GD. Thanks for your attention" 

Maybe he spoke a tad too fast. Most around him muttered a welcome to Hogwarts and a few introduced themselves shortly.

"Holy cock" Damian repeated in absolute delight.

Harry Styles took advantage of the short silence and immediately started enthusiastically "Knock knock"

The air immediately shifted and it suddenly seemed as though half the hall groaned in complain. 

"Come on guys it's a good one I promise!" 

Luke hesitatingly replied "who's there?" 

"H"

"H who?" 

Harry barely managed to finish the 'joke' with "Bless you!" before he burst out laughing, slapping his knee and finally falling off his seat. 

"You tried Harold" 

"Not really Tomlinson Merlins pants teach him the definition of jokes" 

"Fucking embarrassing" 

"Well at least he made himself laugh"

A loud squeak was heard before the entire hall was suddenly filled with owls flattering around everywhere, flying to their owners and leaving mail. One owl in particular caught Eugenes eyes, it was a huge majestic looking one whose feathers were rainbow coloured and it flattered towards his direction before slowly landing on Michael Cliffords shoulder. 

"What's this? Ohh right LUKE the ingredients" Michael yelled before winking at the boy and telling the owl to fly to him. 

"Ingredients? For what Mikey?" Damian asked curiously still not looking away from Eugenes fingers. 

"You'll find out eventually" 

"No! Tell me now" 

"Dam no it's-". A loud whistle of the infamous howler was heard and their table went abruptly silent. One boy in particular went very pale and gripped the side of his seat nervously when the howler faced him.

Everyone stared at the howler as it slowly trembled, exploded open and shrieked at a certain blonde.

"I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR SWEET BUTT" It dissolved dramatically into flames. 

What followed was the hilarious outbreak of laughter in the great hall. The blonde boy however sat stock-still, wide eyed and mouth agape. He flushed a deep red before getting up in hurry and disappearing from the Great Hall. 

Lovely. Eugene smirked.

"Alright joke aside who was it- I mean did you see the look on his face fucking precious" Calum Hood asked, still laughing. 

After they all settled down with their laughter, Michael repeated the question but no one answered. 

"Seriously now. Who did it?"

"Does it matter who it was? Malfoys arse got embarrassed, good enough for me" Louis said. 

"Holy Balls!"

Blaise snapped his fingers. "Damian shut it will you"

Damian immediately looked up, meeting Blaises annoyed gaze. "Holy Blaise!" 

The corner of Blaises lips twitched up before he turned away. Damian yelped happily.

"Oii we have five minutes before potions starts. And ohh shit the essay, I've forgotten it!" Luke started suddenly looking panicked. 

"Luke it's Snape you're- ah right Hufflepuff nope you're not safe" Harry Potter said.

"Tell him I'm sick or something please" Luke twitched nervously and rushed out of the hall. 

"Every time that guy's genuinely frighten he really walks like a penguin" Michael observed thoughtfully.

 

****

 

(In the potion classroom)

 

"Coming too late to class and then continuing to chat with the neighbour is unacceptable! Where is Hemmings?" Snape snapped. 

Eugene has never been that fascinated with the voice of a teacher especially Snapes, it was brilliant, he had the urge to slide his throat open and inspect these vocal cords. 

"Not here" The pink haired responded cheekily. Snapes nostrils flared as he looked at Clifford annoyed.

"Detention for your cheek Clifford! For a week and for Hemmings a month!" 

Snape turned to his table scribbling something down before turning to the class. "For todays class you'll be brewing the Wiggenweld Potion with your assigned partner. Fail and your mark drops, no exceptions". Snape scanned the classroom before pairing the students up.

Eugene studied the board with the written introductions, shaking his head lightly. He never followed the steps for potions, there simply was no excitement in it. Hell how he loves to experiment and trying out new stuff although not for the usage of potions, no more like for taking- 

"My potion partner!" Someone sang enthusiastically while pulling at Eugenes nose and poking his right cheek. Eugene slapped the hand away, turning to the guy who invaded his personal space saying "Dude stop it and bring the ingredients". 

A grin crossed the skinny boys face, Eugene rolled his eyes, Damian Jackson. He shook his head wildly while replying "Nah you get it and I'll wait in my black garden". 

Annoyed, Eugene stood up and grabbed the others collar, dragging him after until they reached the cupboard. "Delicious! Do you feel it as well Eugene?" 

"What are you talking about?" Eugene asked unbothered while handing Damian a few ingredients and returning to his table. 

He started cutting the lionfish spines and poured the boom berry juice into the kettle when his attention was caught on the conversation behind him.  
"The actual fuck Clifford? You most certainly will NOT stir my potion with your dick!" A rough voice hissed, sounding like the person was ready to torture somebody. Being too curious to not look behind his back, Eugene caught sight of an extremely mad looking Blaise and a bored Michael who currently was rolling a dark wooden dildo between his fingers.  
"You mean OUR potion Zabini" 

"MY work MY potion and now shut up you obscenely lamentable assbasket".

He turned back when he felt Damian poking his hand and asking him "May I bite one of your lovely fingers ?" 

Before answering Eugene studied their pinkish turning potion raising his eyebrows suspiciously, questioning the other one. "Did you- you added the unicorn horn and honeywater, right? Making it red with adding two drops of horklump turning it pink..meaning that if you-" 

"simply added a Wolfsbane and stir it twice clockwise-" 

"-you'd finish the potion much faster than the usual time" Eugene finished excitedly, looking at the other like he really saw him the first time. Short brown hair and very androgynous features with piercings on his nose and ears. 

"Plus saved unnecessary ingredients and I want to bite your finger now" Damian said impatiently, pulling Eugenes middle finger dangerously near his mouth before Eugene stopped him, saying "No biting, licking is more comfortable".

Damian stared thoughtful at his middle finger appearing to be inspecting it before saying slyly "I prefer sucking if you don't mind..".  
Eugene gazed at him and nodded, watching him almost greedily putting the finger into his mouth. He immediately felt the tongue brushing and playing with the tip of his finger before his entire middle finger was sucked in, suddenly disappearing into that mouth. Eugene stared, suddenly realising how easily you could replace the finger with something else and he immediately shifted uncomfortably when he felt a boner in his pants.

"Finger bj in potions? 'must say I'm jealous" A giggly voice commented. Damian slowly let Eugenes finger go and turned to the boy who was wearing a black bandana, saying "I'd suck you anytime Ashton but just LOOK FINGER!" 

He flailed Eugenes hand like a flag around.

"Irwing why aren't you brewing!?" Snape cut in, walking towards Ashtons table, making a halt and turning to a blonde girl, looking into the kettle.

 

Eugene, still hard, returned to finish the potion with Damian while listening to the voices of the table next to them. "And for which reasons aren't you brewing Miss Lovegood?"

"It has bad energy Professor" A dreamy voice replied with a serious tone. 

"You..excuse me?" 

"Bad energy. But I found this flower for you from the ingredients that you can put in your hair" short silence "I think it would suit you. Keeps away the black nargels professor" longer silence "I suggest you better take a different subject for your N.E.W.T.S Miss Lovegood" hearing an uncertain hum and leaving footsteps.

 

"Stir and...stiiiiirr!" Damian half sang while slowly stirring the pretty much finished potion. A light puff was heard and Damian put his long wand away, grinning to himself happily as he stretched his arms out and moved them up and down. "Look I'm making an air angel!" Eugene nodded acknowledged and crossed his arms before finally half whispering to the smaller one "Mixed your own drugs, didn't you?" Damian put his arms down nodding and replying possessively "I don't share"

Eugene rolled his eyes saying "Neither do I. But just imagine two potion genius and the kind of drugs they could develop, far more effecient in its effects in its use or duration. Just consider it"

Damian fixed Eugene with a long stare, replying "Let me think about that for a while...sex god" he added, sitting down. Eugene, who still had a boner, descided to remain standing. 

 

A loud bang was heard in the front row, ash raining down covering two heads. "Styles you curly ass! Professor he messed up" Draco complained, pointing at his neighbour and shaking his head wildly, failing at his attempt to rid the ash from his hair. 

"Twenty points from Hufflepuff Mr Styles. Clean up!" Snape murmured not even looking up from his scribbling.

Eugene looked up and noticed the entire ash slowly lifting up, twirling around the air. He looked suspiciously over his shoulder immediately finding the spell conjuror and rolling his eyes.

The ash floated around for a bit before the whole lot smacked right into Malfoys face, inducing a furious roar. 

Snape stood up, scanning the classroom with narrowed eyes "Clifford! Detention with Filch for the rest of your school year!" 

Snape looked at a random Hufflepuff snapping "Another twenty points from Hufflepuff" 

Snape started to examine the potions but was interrupted by another Hufflepuff. "But for what professor?" 

"For existing" he replied, visibly annoyed. 

 

"Eugene do you want to join me fingering the lovely air?" Eugene raised his brows lightly studying a giddy Damian moving his fingers softly up and down. "Sure" he answered imitating the movements and beginning to actually enjoy the 'fingering'.

Damian caressed Eugenes middle finger longingly before abrupt stating "I'm hot. You're hot. I feel like we should make out" Eugene nodded in agreement feeling the sexual tension shift.

"I feel like you should get a room now guys you're bothering the wrackspurts around here" The dreamy looking girl commented, frowning at them lightly.

"Right we'll stop bothering them Luna, promise. Cooome Eu Eu" Damian pulled at his wrist, standing up and leaving the potion classroom just like that. "Don't call me that again. We can leave that easily?" Eugene asked irritated 

"No just meeee. I'm special treatment" he smirked arrogantly, his eyes searching for a handy room in the dungeon.

 

******  
***** (Jelly Dicks because I can motherfucker)  
******

 

The androgynous boy seemed to be rather picky before he finally seemed to accept one of the unused classrooms and shut the door behind. He stared up at Eugene.

"Blowjob" 

"Appropriate blowjob"

Damian immediately ripped Eugenes shirt open, approvement written on his face at seeing his abs. He pinched him lightly, trailing a finger slowly down his stomach and stopped when coming in touch with his trousers. Eugene pressed himself harder against one of the tables, sighing. 

Then he brushed Eugenes bulge briefly before finally unzipping the pants, facing his golden tented briefs. Not wasting any more time, Damian bent further down and pulled the briefs away, revealing Eugenes huge erection. "Literally the golden dick-et" ( Sorry I know horrible pun)

Any possible response left Eugenes mind when Damian dove onto his dick, taking half of him into his hot mouth. He didn't waste any time and immediately began bobbing his head up and down. He took in more of Eugene each time until he had swallowed him all the way to the root.

Damian swallowed, making his throat contract and massage Eugenes cock, before pulling back and repeating the process. Eugene had been on edge for too long and almost immediately he felt his balls tightening up. 

"Fuck yeah," Eugene groaned, running his hand through the others hair and yanking once to warn him that he was about to come. Jackson moved until only the head of Eugenes dick was in his mouth, but didn't pull back entirely as Eugene came in hot spurts.

The door suddenly snapped open with a loud smack against the wall. A shocked cawning voice interrupted them shocked "Ahhh Blowjob! Blowjob in the dungeon!" Ahem thank you Filch.

The door slammed shut, Filchs horrified cries could still be heard.

Damian seemed to be completely unbothered by the short interruption, as he continued to lick Eugene clean until Eugene decided it was enough and slammed the boy against the wall. 

\------------

 

Eugene chuckled silently as he lay in the 'vers bed' trying to sleep somehow over the quiet lullaby, which was disturbing by the way since Michael Clifford replaced sheep and wool with something else.

 

Baa, baa happy cock, have you any cum?  
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It might get dirtier.


End file.
